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Snog, Marry, Avoid – Gerry Anderson style!

Valentine’s Day is here again, and the Gerry Anderson universe certainly offered viewers a wide variety of romantic relationships and dashing characters over the decades! But which of them is marriage material? Which of them deserves a bit of a snog? And which are best avoided altogether? It’s time for the first annual* (*maybe) Snog Marry Avoid – Gerry Anderson style!

We’ve carefully selected five trios of characters for our first contestant to make his choices from – so it’s over to Jamie Anderson for his thoughts!

Whose idea was this? Not the way I was expecting to spend my Valentine’s Day!

Troy Tempest, Virgil Tracy, Captain Scarlet

I think over the years I’ve made my views about Virgil pretty clear. He’s heroic, an artist, musician, talented pilot and makes a mean cocktail. Virgil is, without a doubt, marriage material. So that leaves it between Troy and Scarlet.

Troy has shown himself to be quite the ladies man, but a bit of a love rat really. That’s kind of off-putting.

But, Scarlet… well, he always seemed so obsessed with Destiny, while also being kind of sad, dour and generally serious. I don’t think Troy deserves it, but at least he’d probably show some passion. So…

Snog Troy, Marry Virgil, Avoid Scarlet. Sorry, Captain.

Mitch, Zoonie, Oink

Sorry, but this is avoid, avoid, avoid.

I mean… come on! Not only are they all animals (ahem!), but they’re all incredibly annoying.

So… yeah. Avoid them all. Who comes up with these selections?!

Avoid Mitch. Avoid Zoonie. Avoid Oink.

Lady Penelope, the Contessa di Contini, The Duchess of Royston

This might be the toughest one so far. They’ve all got something going for them… but all have their quirks and downsides.

I’d seriously worry about coming between Penelope and Parker – whatever you think of their relationship, I feel like another man in the manor might cause tensions. But a quick snog wouldn’t hurt? I’d just make sure Parker didn’t see.

The Contessa is a widow… of some means. Now, I’m absolutely not about the money, but I wouldn’t be stepping on anyone’s toes here, so I’d likely marry the Contessa. She’d be away on missions a lot, so we’d have plenty of time apart if she turned out to be difficult. I’ve heard the stories about how challenging Dad’s professional relationship was with Nyree Dawn Porter who played the character, so let’s hope the Contessa would be easier to get along with.

And the Duchess? Sorry. Just too much of a fuss pot. And that voice. Can you imagine her constantly fussing and nagging? No thank you very much. Sorry, Duchess. I’ll be avoiding you!

Snog Penelope. Marry Contessa. Avoid the Duchess of Royston.

Podly, Orrin, Romek

Tricky. Very tricky. It’s hard for me to divorce Orrin from my friend and podcast co-host Richard James, but let’s remove that from the equation.

Podly is obviously a family man, and very proud of his daughter. But he’s a fair bit older than the others, and I imagine he’ll be retiring soon – so he’ll be awkwardly hanging around the house with nothing to do. Eventually, I imagine he’d end up getting so bored that he’d set up a one-man detective agency and get into all sorts of scrapes. For that reason, I don’t think he’s snog or marriage material. Sorry, Captain. I’ll be avoiding you.

So then it’s down to Orrin and Romek. Wow… what a selection. Talk about a rose between two thorns! Orrin’s a bit highly strung. Romek’s wisecracks and jokes would get old… fast. So, I think on balance… Orrin’s marriage material. Romek… you’re a quick snog. That’s it!

Snog Romek. Marry Orrin. Avoid Podly.

Captain Black, Zelda, Dr. Agon

You’ve really saved the best til last, haven’t you? Wow.

So, let’s get one out of the way immediately. And it might not be the one you’re expecting. Dr. Agon! Sorry, but I’m avoiding him. He’s… just… a bit weird. A real loner with an annoying parrot-thing. He’s just got nothing going for him. At all!

So, between Captain Black and Zelda. I’m going to choose the 2005 version of Black from New Captain Scarlet. So, based on the ‘Christmas’ episode where we see Black married, and settled down with kids, he seems like a decent chap! And while I know that scene is a Mysteron-induced fantasy, I’m sure that ‘good husband’ material is in there somewhere. So he’s looking like a strong marriage candidate.

The alternative is to marry Zelda. Can you imagine?! I’d be locked in cryogenic storage before I could say ‘granite crunchies’! She’d be a nightmare wife, despite being (sort of) all-powerful. But I can’t get the Ninestein dream episode out of my head where Zelda approaches him, all dressed up saying “kissy, kissy, kissy!”. So, if she’s not marriage material, and I’ve already picked my ‘avoid’. It looks like I’m snogging Zelda. Lucky me. What a Valentine’s Day!

Snog Zelda. Marry Captain Black. Avoid Dr Agon.

Well, what a selection. Thanks, Chris. It’s enough to put you off Valentine’s day for a decade. Can I avoid you next year?

Some tough but fair choices there – but do you agree with Jamie’s selections? Let us know your Anderson Snog Marry Avoid picks in the comments below!

Written by
Chris Dale

Writer, editor & voice actor on Big Finish's Doctor Who, Terrahawks, Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet audio ranges. Host of the Randomiser on the Gerry Anderson Podcast.

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