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Auntie Zelda’s guide to Mars

Greetings, Earth things! It is I, Zelda – Ruler of the Universe!

It has recently come to my attention that there is easy money to be made in flogging cheap holidays to simpletons, so I…

Er, I mean, in a sincere bid to foster interplanetary friendship and further strengthen the bond between our two worlds I have prepared a short guide to notable places of historical interest on the planet Mars. After all, as your nearest neighbours, we residents of the red planet should do all we can to encourage you to visit – in fact, you may like it here so much that you will never leave! Ahahahaaaa!

Ahem. What are you staring at? Get on the tour bus at once! Yung-star – pedal to the metal!

The Vulcan Industries complex

For your first stop I heartily recommend you pay a visit to the Vulcan Industries mining complex located in the Syrtis Major region. Although I certainly do not approve of having Earth scum up here plundering the mineral wealth of Mars for their own degenerate purposes the caves and tunnels beneath this complex boast one unique selling point; a gas leak that drives all humans who are exposed to it to try to kill each other!

Which, let’s be honest, is pretty much the only thing humans are any good at.

A team from that laughably inept (they always are, have you noticed that?) Earth security organisation Spectrum once found themselves at each other’s throats due to the effect of this gas, which causes hallucinations that often end in violent murder – an idea that the cretinous Vulcan scientist Griggs totally stole from me! Though I must grudgingly admit that his gas was more powerful than mine…

(What? What are you sniggering about? You immature imbeciles!)

Rock Snake canyon

If somehow you survive your visit to Vulcan Industries perhaps you would care to look around the historic site where the infamous Zero-X’s MEV first touched down on the Martian surface? Step outside your vehicle (spacesuits are optional – I certainly haven’t brought any along today!) and explore the curiously grey plains of this section of Mars. Investigate the bizarre coiled rock formations that so puzzled that dunderhead Doctor Tony Grant, then head towards this canyon and come face to face with some friendly locals. Don’t worry – they don’t bite!

They might blow your head off, but they don’t bite!

There’ll be fireworks a plenty to make your visit truly go with a bang, just like those that nearly killed the idiotic Earthman Captain Paul Travers and the rest of his sniveling crew on their first visit! And should you still be lucky enough to cling to your miserable life after visiting the Rock Snakes then there’s always…

Spectrum Base Elysium

This is one of my favourite spots on the tour. Some simpering simpletons from Spectrum decided to remain on Mars after the Mysterons declared war on Earth, but don’t worry – they paid with their lives! Sadly it was before I could get to them but I definitely approve of the method used; the Mysterons took over two of the humans’ robotic R.A.T. exploration probes and turned them against the defenceless Earth scum! The few who escaped the bloody slaughter quickly left the base in their primitive land vehicles but later died of suffocation out on the Martian surface, and…it…I’m sorry, I’ve got something in my eye…

Six legs, shoulder-mounted laser pistols, a drill for an arm, and a saw in its chest – I think I’m in love!

Anyway, for those who fancy a really depressing day out I heartily recommend Base Elysium! Everything is pretty much as Spectrum left it – mangled bodies and all! The accursed Captain Scarlet disposed of the R.A.T.s but I’m hoping to have them both up and running again soon…to make your visiting experience truly authentic!

Just need to wipe the last of the blood off them first…

The Mysteron Cities

Ah yes…these amateurs. Luckily for them the Mysterons keep themselves very much to themselves, but as long as they continue their own little ‘War of Nerves’ against the Earth scum I’m quite happy to let them get on with it – it’s rather charming in a way! They’re not much for conversation, true, but they make up for it by being almost as bloodthirsty as yours truly! Oh, at first they’ll say their intentions are peaceful – but take a few potshots at them and see how long that lasts!

I will say this for the Mysterons though – they sure know how to design impressive-looking cities both inside and out, even if nobody seems to actually be living in them! Whether it’s the brightly coloured complex of the originals or the glowing green metropolis of their CGI cousins (yes, somehow we have two factions of Mysterons living up here – oh, lucky us!) no trip to Mars is complete without a visit to at least one of their cities!

Just don’t blow them up. They really don’t like that. Or you.

Zelda’s Complex

Ah, home sweet home! Impressive, isn’t it? Of course I had to destroy the stupid Earth scum’s NASA Marsbase in order to make room to land my fleet (you may find the ruins nearby but I’ve already called dibs on anything left inside – so hands off!) but I think you’ll agree it was worth it! My complex is comprised of a fleet of powerful warships based around a central hub from which I concoct all my most devious plans! Inside you may be unfortunate enough to encounter members of my useless family but please feel free to ignore them – I always do!

If you should feel like paying us a visit, please know that you will always always be welcome in my humble home. I’ll keep a bed ready for you.

It’s in the cryogenic store and the door doesn’t open from inside, but the offer is there nonetheless.

Did you disagree with my choices? Tough! Leave your name and address in the comments box below and I shall pop round to destroy you at my leisure!

Written by
Chris Dale

Writer, editor & voice actor on Big Finish's Doctor Who, Terrahawks, Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet audio ranges. Host of the Randomiser on the Gerry Anderson Podcast.

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